You love your partner — but sometimes, conversations spiral into arguments that leave you both hurt and disconnected. Sound familiar?
Most couples don’t struggle because they don’t care. They struggle because their communication patterns aren’t working. That’s where the Gottman Method comes in, offering clear tools to change how you talk, listen, and connect.
At the heart of this method is something called the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse — four patterns of communication that predict relationship distress. The good news? Each one has a powerful antidote.
1. Criticism → Try a Gentle Start-Up
Instead of: “You never help me with anything.”
Try: “I’ve been feeling overwhelmed lately. Can we figure out chores together?”
Gentle start-ups are softer, more respectful ways to express your needs without blame.
2. Contempt → Practice Appreciation
Contempt sounds like sarcasm, name-calling, or eye-rolling — and it’s the number one predictor of divorce. The antidote is daily appreciation:
“I really noticed how hard you worked this week — thank you.”
3. Defensiveness → Own Your Part
Rather than: “That’s not my fault!”
Try: “You’re right, I could’ve handled that better.”
Taking even a small amount of responsibility defuses tension and invites cooperation.
4. Stonewalling → Take a Break, Then Reconnect
When overwhelmed, some people shut down. That’s stonewalling.
Instead of disappearing emotionally, say:
“I need a 20-minute break to calm down, and then I’d love to keep talking.”
Therapy Can Help You Relearn How to Talk
These habits may sound simple, but when you’re stressed or triggered, they’re hard to put into practice alone. That’s where couples therapy can help. I work with individuals and couples to replace hurtful patterns with meaningful connection and communication
