How to catch a bad moment, change course in 90 seconds, and keep the bond intact.
Conflict is inevitable; harm is not. The difference is often a timely repair attempt—a small move that says, “I care about us more than I care about being right.” This post gives you a simple, repeatable way to notice breakdowns, course-correct quickly, and return to the issue with less heat and more accuracy.
Why repair attempts work
They interrupt the threat spiral. When conversations tilt toward attack–defend, a brief, caring signal cues safety and reduces physiological arousal.
They clarify intent. Misfires amplify when partners assume the worst. A repair restates your intention so your words land more closely to what you mean.
They protect the channel. You can’t solve a problem while the “channel” is jammed. Repairs clear the line so problem-solving can resume.
Five repair moves you can use today
Name and own. Briefly name what just happened and your part in it.
“That came out sharp; I don’t want to speak to you like that.”Restate intent. Replace the threat headline with your real aim.
“My intent is to understand why this matters to you.”Ask permission to rewind. Invite consent before rephrasing.
“Can I try that sentence again?”Offer a calming micro-pause. Regulate before you reason.
“Thirty seconds to breathe, then I’ll restate.”Affirm the ‘we.’ Signal the relationship matters more than the point.
“We’re on the same side of this, even if we see it differently.”
The 90-second repair sequence
Use this anytime you feel the conversation tipping:
Step 1: Spot the cue (10–15 seconds).
Notice one sign of escalation: faster pace, rising volume, eye roll, shutting down, or the urge to interrupt. Say it plainly to change course.
Script: “I hear myself speeding up—I want to repair.”
Step 2: Regulate the body (30–40 seconds).
Exhale slightly longer than you inhale (4 in, 6 out) for five to six breaths. Drop your shoulders, unclench your jaw, feet flat on the floor. This signals safety to your nervous system.
Step 3: Own and clarify (20–25 seconds).
Name your misstep and restate your goal in one sentence each.
Script: “I interrupted you. I want to hear your full thought.”
Step 4: Ask to rewind (10–15 seconds).
Invite a reset and deliver the cleaner line.
Script: “Can I try that again?” Then: “What I mean is: I’m overwhelmed and need a plan, not to blame you.”
Step 5: Check the landing (10 seconds).
Confirm how it landed and invite one small next step.
Script: “Did that land better? What would help right now—clarify, pause, or decide one small action?”
Two short scripts to keep handy
On-the-spot repair: “That sounded judgmental. I’m frustrated with the situation, not with you. Can we slow down and take this one step at a time?”
Repair after a miss: “I didn’t respond well earlier. I care about how this impacts you. If you’re willing, I’d like to hear the part I missed and try again.”
Troubleshooting common snags
“Repairs feel fake at first.” That’s normal; you’re learning new muscle memory. Read it off a note if needed. Accuracy beats polish.
“One of us retreats, the other pursues.” Agree on a time-limited pause with a return time. Write it down and set a timer to build trust in the pause.
“We keep switching topics mid-repair.” Create a quick “parking lot” on paper. Capture extra issues and promise a separate time to discuss them.
“Apologies get long and defensive.” Keep the repair to two sentences: ownership + intent. Then stop and listen.
“We forget in the moment.” Place a small card on the fridge or in your Notes app: Spot → Breathe → Own → Rewind → Check.
Practice plan for this week
Day 1: Each partner writes one repair line they can say under stress. Practice once on a low-stakes topic.
Day 2: Add the breath piece. Six slow breaths before any repair.
Day 3: Practice “check the landing” after your repair. Ask, “Did that land better?”
Day 4: Introduce the time-limited pause. Choose a signal word—“Reset?”—and a default return time (e.g., 15 minutes).
Day 5: Combine: repair + pause + rewind.
Day 6: Use a real-life moment. Debrief for three minutes: what helped, what to adjust.
Day 7: Review your most effective line. Keep it visible.
